The strips must involve characters having personal relationships with one or more inanimate objects. The relationship can be real (the object speaks and is self-aware, as in the example), or imagined (a character takes his new Alienware out to dinner). In order to avoid 12,000 "no, mini, there is no humping the laser" type strips, one restriction is that the relationship to the inanimate object must be at least reasonably relevant to the nature of the object.

Here is an example of what I mean:

Dear John, You've Been Replaced. by naz_ghul 2-28-01

Bob, why don't we talk anymore? Is there something wrong? Did I upset you in some way? No, everything is fine. I, uh . . . I gotta go. It's that fucking Cell Phone, isn't it? That backstabbing hussy!!

Robots do not count as inanimate objects (too easy). One-offs and series are welcome; I'll judge them Thursday afternoon.

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The woman said, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Churchill replied "madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

I hope I did that right.

CC 160: chess love by boinky33 12-17-02

Will you be my check-MATE?

CC 160: chair love by boinky33 12-17-02

I love you with all my heart! I can't live without you! I think of you when I fall asleep, and I think of you when I wake up! Will you please be my lover? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! A TALKING CHAIR!

Good stuff so far.

Tasty - yup, that's well within the rules.

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The woman said, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Churchill replied "madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

CC 160: microphone love by boinky33 12-17-02

I really like you, Mike. And if you go out with me I will *whisper!* *whisper!* *BOING!*

Here we go...let's see if I'm getting better at this.

CC160: Online love by maddog00 12-17-02

All right! I got an e-mail from that chick. She says she wants to meet today. Good luck, man. Man, this is great. The gal of my dreams. She's everything I always wanted. Everything in common... At her house... What the... Did you really think a real girl would fall for you, loser? Now get over here, big boy.

CC 160: dumb by boinky33 12-17-02

I love this box! I heard that she cheats on you! GASP! 2 weeks later.... I love this axe! *Sniff!* .... I thought we had something special, Axe!

CC 160: phone triangle by boinky33 12-17-02

You wanted to see me, honey? Yes, I wanted you to know that I'm seeing somebody else. GASP! Who is he? I'll kill him! Well, you see .... it's a woman. So you've gone cordless! She's a wind-up phone! I love older women!

CC 160: PC love by boinky33 12-17-02

I'm home, sweetie! 00100101000100100010011 Oh, yeah! Talk dirty to me! 100100010101001001 You turn my floppy disc into a hard drive!

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I has a flavor!

CC 160: ????? by boinky33 12-17-02

I love this shirt.

CC 160: hammer love by boinky33 12-17-02

I love this hammer, but this nail is my ex-girlfriend!

Just for clarification (I was re-reading my description and noticed a vague point) - the relationship between character and object need not be romantic - though romantic relationships are just fine.

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The woman said, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Churchill replied "madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

CC160 - des blowfish-compat tripledes enigma by kramer_vs_kramer 12-17-02

So yeah, I'm having these feelings of worthlessness, as if I'll never amount to anything. Any time I do eventually pluck up the courage to speak to women, they just laugh at me. I'm so lonely! Oh my god- what am I doing? I'm talking to a chair! Snap out of it, man. Snap out of it. You'll be okay. Pull yourself together. Thank fuck for that. I thought he'd never leave.

No time to think of any yet, but here's one to tide y'all over:

Boring People by Scyess 5-28-02

...so then I said, "No way!" and he said, "No, really!" So I said, "Really?" And he said "Yeah!" So I said "No way!" and he said, "You just said that"... ...so I said, "So?" and he goes, "What do you mean 'so'?" So I say, "Just what I said: 'so.'" And he says, "So what?" And I say, "Exactly..." Okay! Shut up! I can't take it anymore! Do you think I care? I'm a ROCK! Why are standing in the middle of nowhere talking to a ROCK? Well, I figured I could finish this story for once if I told it to an inanimate object... Well, you were wrong. I've been a rock for 200 million years, and I've never been this bored. I'd kick your ass if it didn't take 3 million years of geothermal pressure for me to get over there.

If you can parse all those quotes I put in there you're a better man than I.

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"Old" is the old new.

Ah! But how can I beat Binky? He is god. Oh, well, I'll try anyway.

Inanimate lovin' by Blackwolf 12-17-02

Everyone, give a warm welcome to my true love, Bob. Bob is a chair, but thats pretty obvious. Hello. Troll, there is something you need to know. Im in love with someone else. What? No! C'mon Bob, lets go. The sooner the better.

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The world is full of crazy people. That is good, because then I wont be the only one.

Here's an old one of mine from a previous contest. Seems to fit these rules.

A poor reception by andydougan 12-13-01

Bring bring! Bring bring! Bring bring! Bring bring! Bring bring! Bring da! Bring da motha! Bring da mothafuckin' ruckus! No, sorry, I just don't see you making it as a gangsta rapper.

Another golden oldie:

CC 57: On eBay nobody knows if you're not human by kaufman 8-27-01

Congratulations. You had the high bid on 300 meters of speaker wire. Meet me Tuesday at 1:00 and we'll complete the deal. -- Mike1053 Cool. You're Mike1053? Indeed, I am. I've got the wire. Have you got the check? Right here ... Oh, and one more favor if you don't mind -- could you come a little closer? I'd really appreciate the positive feedback.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 160: The Shaggy Spaceship by kaufman 12-17-02

Hey, Clem, I've got a problem. Go ahead and tell me. You know you're always welcome to. I'ts like this. I need to manipulate the gravitational field for my payload, but no matter what I try, my equipment always seems to fail. Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves. Whoa, I never thought of it in those terms before. You're right. Thanks for being so brilliant. Aw heck, it ain't like it's rocket science.

Karpov Tunnel Syndrome by kaufman 12-17-02

Friday evening rush hour. I need to get from Times Square to Coney Island. What's the best way? While the Battery Tunnel to the BQE is the most direct, it can really back up. I'd suggest you take the 59th St. Bridge, head out to Kew Gardens, and double back. Much quicker. Nah, too far out of my way. I'll brave the Lower Manhattan traffic. Queens Gambit Declined.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

quote:

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Here is an example of what I mean:

Dear John, You've Been Replaced. by naz_ghul 2-28-01

Bob, why don't we talk anymore? Is there something wrong? Did I upset you in some way? No, everything is fine. I, uh . . . I gotta go. It's that fucking Cell Phone, isn't it? That backstabbing hussy!!

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When I saw this comic, I was really expecting something like this:

CC 160: Dear Indy, you've been replaced by Devin 12-17-02

Wait, please! Forget it, I'm leaving you and that's that! B-b-but, to a vibrator??? Mr. Dildo's a better lover than you'll EVER be!

Yours is good too though. :-)

Oh, here's my other entry:

CC 160: It's worse than we thought by Devin 12-17-02

B-but you can't leave me for that guy! Why not? He's actually concerned about MY problems, and he even wants to help! Please, I can change! When? In ten years? Twenty? I can have the man I want right now! It seems that your wife is about to leave you for me. How may I help? ...Fucker.

CC 160: The Logistics are Scary by punkrockskaboy 12-17-02

You know something? I love you. I really love you No, really...I do! And not just because you look like a giant vibrator either... Whatever gets me laid

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Welcome to Bohemia. Population: a lot Cash flow: a little

CC 160: Bedroom Antics by punkrockskaboy 12-17-02

Is that it? No, no, that's not it... How about now? Am I in? No...have you ever done this before? Amatuer You try putting a fucking tape in the VCR when the lights out!

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Welcome to Bohemia. Population: a lot Cash flow: a little

Make it so. by eponine 12-17-02

And in time we'll discover the explanation. Meanwhile, none of it suggests anything threatening. If only every life-form had as much desire to please Starfleet. Ready to beam down? I'm looking forward to meeting this Groppler Zorn. Honey, I'm trying to sleep.

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"I've got my finger on the pulse of America... and I've got my arm draped casually across the upper thigh of Canada."

It's good to recycle.

CC 159: Needle Meet Again This Christmas by bonwag 12-16-02

RAAAR!!! Good Gracious. A Whomping Willow(tm) Christmas Tree. My mortal enemy. So we meet again. RAAAR!!! TREEBOR WILL PINECONE YOU! Sweet Jebus RAAAR!!! TREEBOR WILL ADMINISTER A FATAL NEEDLING! By all that is holy! (RUNNING/FLAILING!)

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exit, pursued by a bear