As modern advertising proves again and again, sex sells. From the Miller Lite "catfight" women to the Coors Light twins to Joe Camel's penis nose, sex is everywhere.

Your assignment for this comics contest, if you choose to accept it, is to use sex to sell an unlikely product (the unlikelier the better!).

Bonus points to anyone who uses the word "conundrum."

Get crackin'! Contest ends Monday morning, 3/10.

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I has a flavor!

What A Conundrum. by ArtemisStrong 3-06-03

Asiangirl, I'm gonna need your help. It's time to sell Stripcreator. What do I do, Brad? Well, I'm having some potential buyers over for brunch. Mayhaps you could whet their whistle for the sorts of things ownership offers... You mean... shake my tight little ass as I pour the Kool-Aid? Maybe, even, "accidentally" spill some on my white tee-shirt? I thought you'd only do that for ME! Hey, big-man, this is business! Do you wanna' sell this bitch, or not?

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

CC 174 - Sex Sells by barcodeking 3-06-03

Yo, bitch, I got a job for ya. Client needs a spokes-ho! Where am I going? They having a convention at the Plaza Hotel downtown. Be sure they use conundrums! You got it, Sly! Funeral Directors Convention So, have you got your lines down? "Oh, I get soooo horny when I see a man with a shiny new coffin! It makes me want to jump his bones right then and there!"

A Message from the President (Buy Brain Brillo) by kaufman 3-06-03

Hello, it's me. The President. You're probably wondering right now how I got to being here. This is what happened. George ran his hand up and down inside Barbara's teddy, squirting some Astroglide onto his finger and inserting it into her tight fanny, while whispering cowboy talk into her ear... Nine months later, here I am, a breathing, walking advertisement for Trojan conundrums. CUT!!!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

kaufman's comic is sublime in its deliciousness.

we surrender,
France

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

What About Conundrum? by umfumdisi 3-06-03

Heaving, Grunting, Groaning, Gasping, and Quivering.... are just a few of the words found in the latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. Buy one today!

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Actually, my leftovers keep in leather by Spankling 3-06-03

I don't think so. No, but thanks for playing. Damn! I gave him the raised eyebrow and he still didn't bite. I mean - I don't actually WANT his paws on me, but a girl likes to feel like she has something to offer! Such a conundrum. The two best tupperware sluts in town can't sell to Spanky. He must REALLY be locked in to non-plastic food storage.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

CC 174: Brought to you by the Booze Council by naz_ghul 3-06-03

That's right folks, it's Booze. The answer to almost every conundrum in life. It heals all wounds and makes you popular. It takes a bad party and makes it a good one! It's confidence and well being in a bottle! It makes you suave, urbane and gets you the highest quality sex available! Oh, yeah honey. Oh my god you look just like Tom Sellek. You are so hot . . . *hic* My apartment is just around the corner . . . Ok, bad example.

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The woman said, "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Churchill replied "madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Use only as directed by Spankling 3-06-03

And you say it works? Consarnit! I tol' yu I had the treatmint durin the Ray-gum years and haint been able to pull my dentures free since! That's for me! I'm tired of removable teeth! Just see that slanty ho downtown. She got the stuff. I hear eating you out works wonders. Get a grip with Fix-a-Gash!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I don't know if these can beat umfumdisi, but here goes:

CC 174: Advertising Campaigns that Should've Been by Scyess 3-06-03

It seems that in the dealings with Iraq and North Korea, the tension between India and Pakastan has taken a dangerously low profile. yes... yes... so warm... And stocks are artificially low because of the market's condundrum over pending war. OH, GOD! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! DO ME NOW, YOU WELL-INFORMED, MARKET-SAVVY, SEXUAL DYNAMO, YOU! The Wall Street Journal: Because You, Too, Want to Induce Random Women to Have Sex with You Hey, turn the lights back on! At least wait until I finish the "US" section! I'm going to go down on you like the price of the dollar in international money markets.

CC 174: Ask Them to Stamp on Your Head by Scyess 3-06-03

------------------------- Them ------------------------- The conundrum is that it's a few inches longer than usual, a bit heavy, and kind of shaped funny. Can I still stick it in your box? NO WAY! Not without paying a lot more, you stingy bastard. --------------------------- Us --------------------------- I know it's not usual to do this with cats, but I really need to. No problem, sir! I'll make sure it gets exactly where it needs to go! The US Postal Service: providing better service than back alley hookers since 1775. Visit us online at http://www.usps.xxx/ Listen, Jack, about your new ad campaign...

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"Old" is the old new.

I don't know if this can beat Scyess, but here goes:

CC 174: That's What I Go For by not_Scyess 3-06-03

Come see it, folks! You won't believe your eyes! Every single inhabitant here wanders around stark naked in full daylight! Watch out-of-wedlock sex, and the occasional round of unconsentual sex! If you're really lucky, you'll get to see an orgy, or rampant poop-flinging! So what are you waiting for! You know you want the be a part of the hedonistic delights! Come visit the zoo today! No one under 18 admitted.

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

Supplies by Namgubed 3-06-03

I asked her whether she thought shoe horns were funny, or if she had contemplated the tantalizing conundrum of eternity ... I told him I was reminded of kittens frolicking in the bamboo gardens when he ran his fingers through my hair ... The violet flames in her eyes danced so unlike a tutu-clad sumo wrestler as I blithely requested her phone number ... After I licked my thumb, leaned over and straightened his eyebrows, I replied, "of course, Mr. Silly-Nose! Have you got a pencil?" You need pencils? At Clipper's Office Supply, we got TONS o' pencils!! Eight ten-packs of #2 Berol Naturals for a limited time at our special low, low price!!! Fi' dollah!!

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"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

The proud BDD's-CC-Losers series continues.

CC 174: Poppin' Fresh by BDD 3-06-03

So there I was one morning. Last night had been so fun. I needed more. There they were, two fine conundrums in a tight package... Hmm, do go on... Naturally, I popped them in my hole. They got sooo hot! I couldn't help myself then. I pulled them out and stuck them in my mouth. Oh, it was so gooey but oh sooo good! Mmm...oh yeah... Dammit, I want more! That's it, I'm going to get some RIGHT NOW!!! What can I say? She really likes Pop-Tarts.

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Support your local undertaker - drop dead!

Some PORTIONS Edited For Content by umfumdisi 3-06-03

Ooh, baby, give it ALL to me! I don't think you can handle ALL that, girl. Just put it in--NOW! Here you go, girl, I know how you like it--warm and tender. Mmmmmm--so lean. More, more, more. Mmmmm--juicy. PORK: The Other White Meat

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

CC 174: She's got the URGE to herbal. by Aero_God 3-06-03

After the huge success of our Herbal Essence comercial campaign we have decided to lauch our newest product...Herbal Essence toothpaste! Yes Now you can enjoy brushing your teeth and make sexually gratifying noises at the same time...check this TV spot out. Ohhhh yesssss yesssss yesssss I wonder what my wife is doing in the bathroom so long. Conundrum? Yes. So dont forget to pick up your own Herbal Essence toothpast today...its like performing fetallio after every meal.

CC 174: God wants you...bad. by Aero_God 3-06-03

God speaks with his advertising representative. So God, you want to get more people into the catholic religion. Yeah we need to come up with advertising and fast. That last thing didnt work so well... Joseph and the Virgin Mary's Conundrum.. Okay, so you are pregnant? Shaq-cessories. errmmm...I think you are missing the point of the immaculate conception thing. I think we can honestly say sex doesnt sell...lets try Shaqiel O'Neil

That may not count as sex selling but at least I used conundrum.:(

Very Collectible by Spankling 3-06-03

I got a rockie Mark Grace and I got a Hank Aaron card I ripped off of my dad. Nope. what else you got? JESUS! you're passing that up? What the hell can I give you for the signed Barbra Streisand Nixon Now pin? Keep thinkin... By the way, is yer hot sister at home? Hmmm... I would like to have sex with you, but I would also like to screw my brother out of anything that makes him happy. What a conundrum, eh? Would you mind turning around and bending over while you think it through?

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I will never win one of these things.

CC 174: Marketing VIII by Trippingbillee 3-06-03

Hello, womens. I am a black male. I have a stereotypically large penis. If you purchase this amazing dishwashing fluid, I'll put my penis in your vagina and move it around in a sensual matter. I am a stereotypical bimbo who only cares about penis size. This offer is enticing. Too bad I already have an adequate dishwashing fluid.

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Sex Piano.

CC 174: Late + Drunk + Final Exams tomorrow = Odd comics. by Trippingbillee 3-06-03

If you like chicken, you'll love Colonel Sanders' new Semen Coated Fried Chicken. That's right! Each batch is coated with a luscious mixture of cow, chicken, goose, and Michael Jackson Semen! Don't forget your mashed taters and macaroni on the side! Remember, if you want that extra-gooey flavor... Semen Style Chicken, only at KFC! Conundrum!

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Sex Piano.

CC 174: Marketing IX by Trippingbillee 3-06-03

Oh yeah, right there. That's the spot! You've never been this wet before! Honey, that's the water cooler. Evian. It's dripping wet just for you.

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Sex Piano.

CC 174: Results May Vary by BigEvilDan 3-06-03

Those tree-hugging hippies are riding our ass again. We need to find a way to get rid of this nuclear waste. Maybe we could sell it on the internet. Are you crazy? Why would a bunch of sex-starved geeks want to buy nuclear waste? Leave that conundrum to me, sir. "*** ENLARGE YOUR PENIS WITH GAMMA RADIATION!!! ***", huh? Hell, it worked for the Incredible Hulk.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

CC174: Stiff as a Board Game by Bargaintuan 3-06-03

Oh, yes! Yes! YES!!! What ya got, baby? Yes! It's coming! It's coming! GIVE IT TO ME! BUY NEW SCRABBLE®: GLOW-IN-THE-DARK EDITION TODAY! CONUNDRUM! Triple word score, plus I used all my letters!!! That's 92 points! Hell if I can beat you now!

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Life is a lot like getting mugged; you get your kicks, you take your punches, and when it's over, someone else gets your cash.

Ripping Off #95965 by ArtemisStrong 3-07-03

Early in 2001: This site's pretty nifty and all. So what's donating all about? Why would I want to donate to a free website? Uh... Well... There are some exclusive fringe benefits donors can... uhh... take advantage of... Tired of having your genitals rubbing against the inside of your underwear? Is applying cream a complete pain in the.... cough* You need new "CLOWN_CUPS", that's right, for $10 a month you can have a clown cup your testicles all day, while you get on with life! Where the fuck do I sign up, man! I'm gonna be rolling in the BL!NG-BL!NG$ if everyone loves gay clowns as much as this drunk does!

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

Lowest common denominator by megaton_b_boy2000 3-07-03

Mmmm. Hey there sexy boy. Want to buy a conundrum? Okay. What the fuck have I just paid for?

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Megaton B-Boy 2000 will return...

CC 174: The Best Policy by kaufman 3-07-03

You may not think about it in the back seat of your parked Chevy, but you always need protection ... Oh yes, yes, do it to me. Harder! HARDER! Because accidents do happen. Hello, Allstate? My car just got rear-ended. Relax, you're in good hands.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com