I almost handed this off to bunner, but I was afraid it'd just keep going round and round until it caught fire. So.

1. The subject is "Xtreme" sports. Suicide or natural selection? Fad or hype? Irritating or annoying? Explore.

2. "Xtreme" product tie-ins, the stupider the better.

3. If you are not familiar with the "Xtreme" ad crap (for example, you are a woman or an Australian), too bad. Just Google it and use whatever comes up.

4. The term "sports" may include sexual practices, but any such gags had better be funny.

The contest ends Thursday at 5-something PM EST. I'm trying to speed things up a little.

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What others say about boorite!

In my rush to be first and worst I created typos. So be it.

Xstreme Harvesting by Spankling 7-17-01

I been playing drop shark down under. I bungie into the water and slice swimmers like a blender. It's insta-chum city! What a rush! That rocks! You should call a razor company for an endorsement next time! Get paid to play! Good idea! I could use the buck for a new blade, man. Those Ausies have thick skulls. Hey, you seen Satan lately? I hear he's into Xtreme air stunts now. WHAAAAA HOOOO! Sky surf with my people! YEAH!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Hah! Mine's more worsier than yours!

CC45: Xtremely Dumm by Drexle 7-17-01

What's up, Flub? Oh Holly, I just had the urge to try something exciting... Xtreme Watersports! Woah, seriously? You're into that? So am I! Yeah, I mean I got the urge to try it out when I saw that Xtreme Oyster Harvesting ad on TV... I thought maybe I could start off with some high speed dolphin wresltling on a surf board, or maybe... Lemme show you what xtreme Watersports is all about... open wide!!! *tinkle tinkle* *Glub Glub Glub!!!* What the *glub* are you doing?! *Glub!*

actually... I need to clarify the product tie-in... one moment.

Okay, this is the real entry... and look, it's rules compliant this time! (But it's still more worsier than Spankling's!)

CC 45: Xtremely Dummer than ever, now with Dumm Merchandise by Drexle 7-17-01

Hey Flub! What's up? Oh man, Holly, I just got the urge to try something exciting! Xtreme Watersports! I got the urge from watching that Xtreme Oyster Harvesting special on TV! Woah, you're into that sort of thing? So am I! Yeah, I've got my official Xtreme snorkel, and my Xtreme Goggles, and my Xtreme little arm-wrapping-floaty-fins! Silly, you're not going to need any of that stuff... let me show you some REAL Xtreme Watersports... Open wide!!! *Tinkle Tinkle* AAAaghhh!! *Glub* *Glub* what the *glub* are you *glubbb!!*

CC45: Xtremely hard rules to be funny with by crabby 7-17-01

I gotta get myself pumped up for this. Were live here at the X-Games where Dingle Smith from the UK is preparing for the nail slam. He will be using a Fairmont Hydraulic Hammer. He is also wearing there corporate logo on his back. I think he's ready....... The judges have given him a 96.50 and with that he will move into first place passing Canadas Pike Olsen.

That's not a hydraulic hammer. It's a curved-claw hammer with a hardwood handle, probably hickory, with a flat face for driving nails flush to the board. The 16 oz weight is common. No home or apartment should be without one.

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What others say about boorite!

Also, that's a framing nail, which is OK for rough or hidden work, but if you're going to drive nails into your forehead, use finishing nails. Tap them below scalp level using a nail set and hide them with filler compound or makeup foundation.

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What others say about boorite!

quote:

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Hah! Mine's more worsier than yours!

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No, I'd say you followed Rule 4, alright.

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What others say about boorite!

Fairmont does make a rotary hammer, but it's not for driving fasteners into one's forehead. Probably Crabby meant the Fairmont rotary impact hammer drill. That will make short work of masonry.

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What others say about boorite!

So I lied. This won't win anyway.

CC 45: An Xtremely Old Joke by kaufman 7-17-01

The Xerox XtraXtreme Triathlon in which athletes drink our X-mix (half Everclear, half Surge), kill a mighty elephant, and then seduce Janet Reno. Down the hatch! That fighting is fierce. I don't know if Phillip will survive! * POW! * * BAM!!! * Victory! Ok *hic*! Where'sh the girl I've got to kill?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Now there is a benchmark to reach for! Many try. Few ever come close.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

CC45: X-Treme Bird Love by crabby 7-17-01

This is some X-Treme bird humping going on here! Good thing I use Double Action brand condoms. Double Action condoms electronically tested and manufactured to EN600 and BS3704 1996 requirements. Certified to ISO 9002, EN 46002. CE 120 Now the bird wants a piece of my lucious ass. Godd thing he's using those X-treme Double Action condons. Little does he know I only use sheepgut condoms.

why does he bother?

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Who knows what fear lurks in the hearts of men? MIKE BOBSICO KNOWS! And if you give him a decent tip when he delivers your mail , he might tell you.

GASP! I have been de-throned!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Why would you want to hide the nails? I bang mine about halfway in and then bend them over, so my head looks like some sorta crappy tree fort made by 8-year-olds. It looks supercool and it gives me a place to hang my sunglasses.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Why would you want to hide the nails? I bang mine about halfway in and then bend them over, so my head looks like some sorta crappy tree fort made by 8-year-olds. It looks supercool and it gives me a place to hang my sunglasses.

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Two problems I had with that. 1. The nails get cold in the winter giving me a headache. 2. My wife complains when they poke her in the belly.

She's been pushing to have my face tiled over with a mosaic in the likeness of Paul Newman.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Wait, are we still talking about nails?

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What others say about boorite!

I just want to say something about that Olympic snowboarder who lost the gold because he was stoned during the event: If you can win a gold medal after smoking pot, they should probably give you a second one.

CC 45: Xtremely dumb sports by NeoVid 7-17-01

And here's our next competitor! Are you ready? I'm still working up to it... This is the hardest event I ever been in, man... I wouldn't be able to do it without my good friends at Joe Blow's Headshops! Nice plugola. Now, are you ready for our event... Tongue Dialing? You must dial a phone number using only your tongue and a public pay phone! Yeah, I think I'm almost stoned enough to try... While he's gearing up, let's talk with our last competitor... I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the good people at 911(TM)!

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

Xtreme Xomic by Dr._Light 7-17-01

Hi, and welcome to the X games! I'm your host Xtremely Xtreme Xob, also known as Bob. And I'm the co-host, Xncredibly Xtreme Xreg, also called Greg. Right now, Tony Hawk is on the course! Ooh, look at that Xreg, Tonk Hawk just performed the 1649 ollie back reverse summerspring assault maneuver! Um...what the hell does that mean again? It means he fell and broke his neck, and is dead. Oh, my bad.

cc45: Xtremely Bad Sports by NastyPope 7-17-01

Greetings everyone I'm Maura Oberlund, I'd like to welcome you all to the 5th anal, haha, I meant, ANNUAL Xtreme Felching World Championships Our first event is the harrowing yet strangely fullfilling 'Meat_in_your_Seat' Competition. Our first competitor is Ivan Yakanov from Russia Oh my LORD I can't believe what i've just witnessed. I've not seen that much Kielbasa disappear into a person since that Japanese kid ate all those hotdogs. I'd have to agree Maura, that was a singularly impressive display of rectal fortitude. While the judges tally the scores, let's get a word from our sponsors. Raaaaar, if there is one thing Tobor knows, its Manrape, and when Tobor is about to cornhole you, Tobor recommends a fistful of Cherry_Flavored_Anal_Eaze®

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At least im still funny .....looking. http://www.carrionfields.com

Beamon Up, Scotty by kaufman 7-18-01

Welcome to the 2044 Summer Olympics, being held this year on a small asteroid. Our first event is the long jump, and we expect the microgravity to cause some great scores. Phillips of the USA is making his approach ... and he's off! I'm here in the Goodyear Orbiter; looks like he got a good leap ... I'm trying to pick him up ... *** SPLAT ***

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

We did say Xtreme ... by kaufman 7-18-01

What's up, d00d? There's an Xtreme Minesweeper tourney. What's next? Xtreme Freecell? I'll hook up my Omnimedia VR System and my Millisoft Teraboost, and be the 1337est of the 1337! Hah, only two more squares. Pick the right one, I win. Pick the wrong one, I lose. Damn. I own j00, luser. j00 -r- mine!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Almost 42 billion microns by kaufman 7-18-01

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa marathoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

You owe me royalties for stealing my idea. Or you can wait 23 years until it becomes public domain again.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.