I really appreciate all the feedback so far, I only get better when people point out what works and what doesn't. Here's two more of my recent ones:

Snowman Heaven by OmniMarconi67 6-24-05

Daddy, where do snowmen go when they die? Is there a snowman heaven? Umm... "...Of course there is! The good snowmen get to spend an eternity in a winter paradise..." How's it hangin'? Ha! Even after two thousand years that one never gets old! "...But unfortunately the bad snowmen go somewhere far less pleasant..." Poor bastard, didn't stand a chance...oh well, if he hadn't been so cold during his life...

How much does your wife love you? by OmniMarconi67 6-24-05

"We at Riverside Memorial Hospital regret to inform you that your husband's lab results are just as we feared." "He is suffering from a rare form of antropy that affects the muscles around the pelvic area, and left at it's current rate it will kill him in less than 3 weeks." "There is, however, one way to cure him." "He must continually exercise the affected area, the best way being sex 3 times a day for 6 months." Oh, it's my lab results from the hospital! What's it say? Sorry honey, you're going to die in 3 weeks.

Don't forget to check out the rest of mine, I have 13 total so far, and sooner or later I just might figure out how to be less wordy. That may or may not work out, but I am making an effort.

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If you do just one thing in life, then you need to get out more and expand your horizons. Honestly, that one thing can't possibly take-up all your time.

that last one is GREAT

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what if nigger meant kite

Yes it is. Snowman Heaven wasn't that bad. Wasn't ha ha funny, but it got half a chuckle out of me regardless.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

A few new ones to contemplate.

Amateur Night by OmniMarconi67 6-24-05

...And then Cristopher Wren says to Eric the Red, "Yeah I've got a match: your firth and my aps!" C'mon people, that one kills in cathedrals and viking funerals...

Language barrier by OmniMarconi67 6-24-05

What the male says/hears: It doesn't matter how good looking you are, I'm intoxicated enough to plug a horse. The sooner I strip you down and have my way with you the better! Oh baby, do me now! What the female says/hears: I'm lonely, depressed from my last breakup, and am in denial of the fact that you'll just use me like everyone else has. So I'll pretend to be cautious, but if you say the right things I'm all yours. My dear, I will be a perfect gentleman as far is it will take me, and though I'll probably vanish from your life after a passionate night of lovemaking, I won't ruin your fantasy of finding true love. What is actually said: Hi, I'm Steve. Nice to meet you. I'm Cindy, nice to meet you too.

Candid Crucifiction by OmniMarconi67 6-25-05

It is accomplished! "Hey, it's God. About that...yeah, I was just kidding about the whole 'savior' bit. Didn't think you'd actually go out and do it. Sorry." ...Well this is awkward...

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If you do just one thing in life, then you need to get out more and expand your horizons. Honestly, that one thing can't possibly take-up all your time.

Crash iminent by OmniMarconi67 6-25-05

If we don't leave the plane soon we're gonna die! 3 people, 2 parachutes...well, I'm the smartest man in the world, so I deserve one. So long everybody! My child, I have made my peace with God. Take the last parachute. But Father, we can both have a parachute. Why is that, my child? The smartest man in the world there just took my knapsack.

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If you do just one thing in life, then you need to get out more and expand your horizons. Honestly, that one thing can't possibly take-up all your time.

all of them with good setups, but the best one was the last one again.

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what if nigger meant kite

I disagree. I preferred the previous three -- some creative ideas therein. The other one was simply a retelling of a joke that's probably older than the author.

Now to be fair. I'm guilty of the same thing, in fact several times over, but I'll admit they're hardly my best work.

I think if you want to retell an old joke in comic form, you should really try to give it a touch that justifies the translation to this medium. In the case of Crash iminent (sic), using Hippie4 as the backpack owner was nice and plausible, but why that choice for casting the smartest person in the world? Wouldn't scientist with his wacked-out look be more effective?

The other difficulty was that the joke doesn't fit well to three panels. It rushed the beginning to get to what it could fit in. Unless you can get outside the box, probably best not to shoehorn it. Take for example this strip I did my second day here:

Stop me if you've heard this before (episode 4 of 11) by kaufman 5-16-01

Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock! Who's there? Banana. Banana who?

A piece of dreck, eh? It's only saving grace is the title, in which its hokeyness is acknowledged, and the cryptic episode number makes it not worth deleting. I never made the other ten episodes, and that was the point. A reader who's heard this joke since age 6 can fill in the other ten episodes in his/her head, right up to the triumphant Orange in the second panel of Episode 11. Plus, the backgrounds fill in the other piece of the puzzle; by then it will be in the black of night.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

A few more off the assembly line. Thanks to you all I'm getting better all the time.

Frueidian slip by OmniMarconi67 6-27-05

So I went out the other day to get my train tickets, and the ticket seller had the biggest jugs you've ever seen. When I went to make my purchase, what I meant to say was "2 tickets to Pittsburg," but what came out was "2 tickets to Titsburg." Yeah, I had one of those last night. I was having dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "Can you please pass me the salt..." ...And what came out was "You fucking bitch, you ruined my life!"

The priest's substitute--first confession by OmniMarconi67 6-28-05

Now remember, it's 3 "Hail Mary"s and 5 "Our Father"s for your basic lying and stealing and such. Think you can handle it while I'm gone? Sure thing Father Brown! If something serious comes up, I'll ask. It's been three weeks since my last confession. In that time I've been penetrated in every oraface on my body at least once, but specifically I've performed fellatio 500 times. What must I do? Umm...just a sec, let me check on that... Hey kid, what does Father Brown give for a blowjob? A candy bar.

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If you do just one thing in life, then you need to get out more and expand your horizons. Honestly, that one thing can't possibly take-up all your time.

The last two are more old jokes retold. Sad.

I liked these, though:

quote:

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Amateur Night by OmniMarconi67 6-24-05

...And then Cristopher Wren says to Eric the Red, "Yeah I've got a match: your firth and my aps!" C'mon people, that one kills in cathedrals and viking funerals...

Language barrier by OmniMarconi67 6-24-05

What the male says/hears: It doesn't matter how good looking you are, I'm intoxicated enough to plug a horse. The sooner I strip you down and have my way with you the better! Oh baby, do me now! What the female says/hears: I'm lonely, depressed from my last breakup, and am in denial of the fact that you'll just use me like everyone else has. So I'll pretend to be cautious, but if you say the right things I'm all yours. My dear, I will be a perfect gentleman as far is it will take me, and though I'll probably vanish from your life after a passionate night of lovemaking, I won't ruin your fantasy of finding true love. What is actually said: Hi, I'm Steve. Nice to meet you. I'm Cindy, nice to meet you too.

Candid Crucifiction by OmniMarconi67 6-25-05

It is accomplished! "Hey, it's God. About that...yeah, I was just kidding about the whole 'savior' bit. Didn't think you'd actually go out and do it. Sorry." ...Well this is awkward...

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The Candid Crucifixion was most excellent, yes.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

I liked the last two. Old jokes, yes, but they were retold in a funny way there.

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I love Family Guy more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who enjoys his taffy.

The priest/Candy bar for blowjobs and Freudian slip are ancient. I remember Paul Schaeffer saying that Freudian slip joke to Dave Letterman back when Letterman was funny (so that's old). You need more original ideas and not rehashing of jokes. I beg you not to make the "blew a seal" reference comic. Before I cast more stones, I'm guilty as well to some extent, and here are my 2 examples that I've learned from...lesson being do not rehash old jokes in comics (unless you come up with an original twist).

Remember blowin' bubbles when you were a kid? by suicide_king 2-14-05

How was Billy's birthday party? It was cool. We had cake, played basketball, and then ended the party by blowing bubbles. Blowin' bubbles? Ha, that's so third grade. Billy's Uncle Bubbles seemed to enjoy it.

Freudian Slip by suicide_king 12-08-04

She'd rather be fed while you were sitting instead of standing. I'd rather be fatherless on a Tahitian beach being serviced by four islander girls providing unlimited fellatio. Pardon me? I said, I'll use the chair in the living room.