Whoa. I wasn't expecting to win that, and I was running a CC pretty recently, so I'll just call a sprint, and tomorrow someone else will be in charge. This contest lasts only 24 hours from the time this post goes up.

As for rules:

Lately, I was thinking about the various characters, and how much more interesting and fun to use some are than others. Or maybe, we just haven't found good uses for those others yet.

Below are listed what I think right now are my least favorite characters from each of the categories. Use those, and only those. No other characters or props are permitted, save for the height props. You'll notice that I've omitted forumusers -- I wouldn't want someone to take it the wrong way and think it was personal, when it would only indicate a lack of inspiration regarding their stripcreator lookalike.

Other than that, you're on your own. Make me laugh. You may use:

threereasons: clown
dieselsweeties: indypete
lifeinhell: bongo (of course)
jerkcity: deuce
explodingdog: robot
whenigrowup: hooker
goats: diablo
dexx: bluefish
kofightclub: ghost
pennyarcade: bench
props: boom
holiday: xmastree
submitted: mrstinkybutt

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

This is the first CC I've entered for a while...

I expect you'd like to know about frogmen.... by kramer_vs_kramer 1-23-02

You want to stay away from me, kid. I'm dangerous. Yeah yeah. I know all about the risk of cancer and lung disease. No no no, that's not what I meant... I've got a gun. Now gimme your wallet!

I've an extra testicle, you're sceptical about spectacles by kramer_vs_kramer 1-23-02

Mmmm, I'm gonna get me some chicken! By "chicken", do you mean you want to have gay sex with underage boys? No. That's good, because otherwise I'd have to phone the police. Shit.

HATE SCOPE by crabby 1-23-02

Oh christmas tree why do you mock me? As a miniature robot I was never programmed to understand the holiday which you represent. I shall go ask the robo-village elders for help on this issue. Perhaps they were programmed to understand the warm glowing glow of the christmas holiday.

HATE SCOPE 2 by crabby 1-23-02

Robo-Clown do you understand the christmas season or does the haunting glow of the christmas tree haunt you as well. This game has gone on long enough! I'm not a robot. Your the only robot that lives here in robo-village. That doesn't make any sense at all. If there's no other robots here then why is it named robo-village. It's just a name. They let some 3rd graders pick it back in 88' we used to be known as stinksville. Ok I guess that sort of makes sense. But if no one else here is a robot then why is everyone here so cold and distant towards me. Well to tell you the truth none of us really like you.

HATE SCOPE 3 by crabby 1-23-02

Oh you cruel cruel tree you. Why do you mock me with your haunting glow. Is there no way for me to escape your evil glow. It consumes me and fills me with the hate of a million suns. I will have to consult my maker professor biscuit. Perhaps he can tell me how to put an end to your bastard light.

HATE SCOPE 4 by crabby 1-23-02

Professor biscuit I was hoping you could explain to me why the christmas tree haunts me so. Well you are a robot you know. The warm glow of the holidays doesn't fill you with joy the way it does normal living people. Professor the glow of the tree doesn't fill me with joy buy it does fill me with a hatred which I've never felt before in all my years. Are you proposing that an evil creature is lurking in the tree filling you with evil thoughts? Yes I am! Lets go check it out. To the biscuit wagon!

HATE SCOPE 5 by crabby 1-23-02

I see the problem young robot. There appears to be someone hiding inside of that tree. I'll just toss the tree aside and......... Ah-Ha! It's rickety Pete. He used to haunt the old school yard and now he must be trying to ruin christmas by haunting that tree. Bah! I would have got away with it too if it wasn't for that little homo-sexual robot! Good work young robot now why don't we go back to my place for a little fun. What did that evil man mean by homo-sexual?

Sorry, I'm all out of clever today...

CC 94: The Classiest Comic EVER! by wirthling 1-23-02

And now, kids, watch as I pull a rabbit out of my ass! Nnnggh! Rrrnnghh! Eeuurrff! Gunnh! UnggghhAAAHHH! POOT! Ta-da! Gah! I'm reporting you to the union!

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

CC 94 - Hooray for Harold Lloyd. by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 1-23-02

Christ. Im so horribly underused here. I mean , i have a PHD from the Stan Laurel school of silent comedy. Well , why dont you show me some of your best stuff. I mean , if you can make me laugh , im sure the users will use you more.

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

CC 94 - Damn you for not letting me use Redfish! by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 1-23-02

Look , im telling you. They sell 32 million chicken sandwiches every day. and they sell around 17 million Filet-O-Fish. Something has to be done about those bastards! Well , what are we going to do about the bastards? I have the very solution. RAAR! ECUED WILL CORNHOLE RONALD MCDONALD!. Oh shit. Youre not the 12 yr old hooker i ordered!

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

I think this is probably the closest I've come yet to making a comic resembling those lame syndicated ones found in newspapers. I should have added canned laughter to the 3rd panel...

CC 94: After-School Special by wirthling 1-23-02

My parents must hate me. Why? They named me "Mortimer." Could be worse. How? My parents named me "Sushi."

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

canyoudigitsucka by xpac 1-23-02

assrape!

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we're sending our love down the WE-ELL-ELL-ELL! WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW!

In the Land of Unwanted Characters by my_fawn_has_diarrhea 1-23-02

No one understands me. They all think I'm a pedophile. I'm not. I'm actually a necrophilliac. I really wanted to be reincarnated as a girl's bicycle seat. Well big boy, you paid for it. Come and get your goodies. HOLY SHIT! You're a guy. Well I can fix that, with one quick blow job. Hi-Dee-Ho Folks. My friends call me Mr. Stickybutt. Funny, so do mine.

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I'm half spit, by body weight.

Breathing by fpd 12-29-01

Hi, I'm Richard Simmons. Today, we're going to work on our breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Suck it in now. Take a deep, long drag. Breathe ou ... hack hack ... out. Very good, people. You were fabulous!

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

Indy Pete: Lady's Man I by israphael 1-23-02

Hi there, lovely lady. How would you like to come back to my place and get lucky? What do you mean? You know, have hot sweaty sex with me. And why... would I consider that lucky?

Indy Pete: Lady's Man II by israphael 1-23-02

Oh man, that was fantastic. You don't know how much I've been looking forward to this night. For the longest time, I've wanted to make love to you so badly. Trust me... you did.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

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Batman created by Bob Kane

CC 94: Old jokes never die, they just...well, not die. by BigEvilDan 1-23-02

So, the two chickens cross the road and walk into a bar... Ha, ha! What? I've heard this one before.

CC 94: Pac Man by BigEvilDan 1-23-02

Dammit, he's been in to the power pills again. We really need to get him off those things. It seems like he's got a permanent case of the munchies now.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

CC94: Harlot and Harlequin by fpd 1-23-02

Ah, my dear sweet harlot, only your gentle touch can soothe the ennui I feel. What's with you? Aren't clowns supposed to be happy? Nay, I demean myself to make others laugh, and I paint on a smile to hide my misery. Wow, we have a lot in common. I demean myself for the pleasure of others too. That is why I come to you. Only the harlot can understand the heart of the harlequin. Moon those kids over there, and I'll do you for free. That would be so funny.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

Not so much funny as pathetic.

Just trying to be helpful by Spankling 1-23-02

You were fabulous, ace. Now leave yer money on the table and get out. Uh... okay. What kind of life is this? Cold professional blowjobs in the middle of urban decay and then back to the_kids_and_the_noise? Why do I keep on going? Because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. If only there was a... SUCK MY HEAD YOU FAT JAMOOOK!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Tough competition, but here goes:

Tropical Cancer by TheElPaso 1-23-02

Oh no, my tongue just exploded all of a sudden! I know that smoking is supposed to give me cancer, but not at this rate! Diablo, what am I doing wrong? I believe it's because you're smoking from the wrong end. Well, no wonder!

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My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. -Weird Al Yankovic

Monsters Exist by kramer_vs_kramer 1-24-02

One blowjob, please! Sure that'll be five bucks. Suckotron 2000 here will see to you in the alleyway. -MEEP!- Sucky sucky? Bloody subcontractors.

And you couldn't allow the use of the Exploding Dog robot without expecting me to do this:

Christian Suburbanite, washed down the toilet by kramer_vs_kramer 1-24-02

At last, my crowning piece of cosmetic surgery is complete! Can I sit up yet? Yes. Remove the bandage, sit up and let me see the beauty I have transformed your face into. Okay, here goes... Decepticons! No shit, pixel-boy! Now pass me some of that medicinal alcohol!

Extra-Terrestrial Sports by Jabizo 1-24-02

Rah! Rah! Go team! If I can just make this winning shot then maybe I won't have to play on the non-skins team next time.

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Vulgarity is simply the conduct of others. -Oscar Wilde

Yes, it's another big long series of strips. One stand alone...

CC 94: The Face Of FEAR! by deucepm 1-23-02

Okay. Let's stay calm. There is nothing lurking in the closet that wants to attack you. Your mom checked. Your dad checked. There are absolutely no horrible creatures in the closet that want to molest the hell out of you. Not in the closet. It's moved under the bed. RRRARRRGH! SURPRISE!

...annnnd another epic series of blah blah blah yakkity shmakkity.

CC 94: The Hard Sell, Part 1 by deucepm 1-24-02

Well, it's official. Kaufman hates our guts. Clearly, our only choice is sweet death. Meet me in the garage with a hose. Au contraire. We shall win his love by learning his special interests and showing that we share them. To his home page! Due to illness, the part of the PC will be played by boom1. ...the fuck is orienteering?

CC 94: The Hard Sell, Part 3 by deucepm 1-24-02

Okay. You start. Right. *ahem* Why hello there, Indy Rock Pete. I just got back a Weird Al Yankovic concert. How are you? Just fine! In fact, I just got back from analyzing some learning strategies! I analyzed the HELL out of 'em! That's nothing! I just took a class on multistrategy learning while listening to a Grateful Dead album! You know, if I ever meet somebody who's creating an integrated tool for education and research in machine learning, I'll marry him! I'm orienteering like a MOTHERFUCKER!

[Click to view comic: 'CC 94: The Hard Sell, Part 5']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 94: The Hard Sell, Part 6']
[Click to view comic: 'CC 94: The Hard Sell, Epilogue']

...don't kill me.

The way to a man's heart may very well be through his stomach according to tradition, but we stricreator.com regulars know that the way to kaufman's heart is through the use of agonizing puns. Thus:

CC94: It's the reason for the teasin'... by DexX 1-24-02

So, tell me... Why are you all so unpopular, anyway? Don't ask me - I've always been the butt of jokes. At school, everyone called me a dickhead. It gets me so blue, I have to find somewhere quiet to drown my sorrows. I only ever seem to meet arseholes. I wanted to be a star, made it big in tinsel town, but I couldn't hold a candle to the other talent in town. Hey, I don't care. It's no big deal if people look right through me. It's no skin off my nose.