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crabby
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I present to you my finest comics of the year 2008.

The buisness world is so cruel. by crabby
1-05-08
You know grandpa, I have no intentions of taking over the family buisness. As soon as you die, I plan on selling it to the highest bidder.
Well, then I'll leave it to your daddy!
My daddy already promised it to me. I just want you to know that I never appreciated the way you used to beat me when I was young. It's caused alot of issues in my adult life.
First thing I'm gonna say about that is... You're a pussy. And B, I'm gonna leave the company to your cousin Tommy. He loves Chicken Herding and I know he would never sell the family buinsess.
I can't lie. I never really thought about that possibility.
That's why you aren't fit to inherit my buisness!

Enlightenment by crabby
1-14-08
My dad sent me a letter. It says that one of his friends at the nursing home has been pressuring him to start smoking crack.
Crack? Why would a 75 year old man start smoking crack?
Well, he wrote that he's never truly felt loved by god and he hopes that this experience can bring him closer. I guess all I can do is wish him the best.
How long have you been bald?
Hmmm... I'd say I started losing my hair around the age of 17.
Why would I marry a bald man with a family history of crack use? Maybe dad was right and I am a dumb whore.

If you're secretly married to your own sister, be careful. by crabby
1-14-08
I've been an iron worker for 35 years. I've worked hard to support you over that time. I've come to terms with the fact that you'll never be able to conceive, but could you try learning to cook?
You're short.
Yeah, I've always been short.
Well, I'll learn to cook once you grow a few feet and can look me in the eye and ask me like a man.
I'm gonna go find my step ladder and I'm gonna look you straight in the fucking eye and ask for a divorce you barren bitch.
IF YOU SO MUCH AS EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING A DIVORCE I'M GOING TO TELL EVERYONE THAT WE'RE REALLY BROTHER AND SISTER! WE'LL SEE HOW YOUR MOOSE LODGE LIKES THAT!

Baby Blues by crabby
1-14-08
At first I thought winning a baby at a Boy Scout's raffle would be great. It'd help me meet chicks and do my laundry, but all this thing does is cry.
I've decided that I can't take care of it anymore so I'm doing the only respectful thing I can think of... I'm gonna leave this baby to die in the woods.

Shopping with Dad. by crabby
1-17-08
Dad, they are having a huge sale on Carhartt dungarees. Can I get a few pairs.
Jabari... You're 13 now and I think you're old enough to know. I'm not your real dad. I'm just some white guy that's training you to box.
So can I get the dungarees or not?
How much are they?
Forty seven dollars.
You're killing me Jabari.

 
7-02-10 9:48pm (new)
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crabby
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Apartment Hunting by crabby
1-17-08
This is the bedroom. You've seen the whole apartment, what do you think?
I'm not sure if my lover and I would be happy here. Do you think you could undress for me and fondle yourself to an erection? That might make the decision easier.
That depends, how long do you want me to fondle myself for?
Not for long, just until you get hard. Maybe until there's just the slightest bit of precum aroma filling the air.
I'm just not comfortable doing that. Would you like the apartment or not?
I'm gonna have to pass.

Don't you hate it when nerds ruin the myths of your heroes? by crabby
1-19-08
I heard Andre The Giant used to drink 4 bottles of wine for breakfast every morning and that ever night he would put down 113 beers in one sitting.
113 beers in one sitting? No way! Let's say he drank 19 bottles of beer, assuming 4% strength and 330ml. That's 40 liters of alcohol.
I've seen my uncle's put down 19 beers in a day. My uncle's aren't god's like Andre The Giant either.
You couldn’t get close to drinking 40 litres of any fluid before your brain or kidneys shut down because it dilutes the levels of elecrolyteswhich makes things such as muscle contraction work.
Well, I'm sure he pissed some of the fluid out over time.
Fuck you. If you take Andre's peak weight and the amount of alcohol he would have consumed in 119 beers, that would make his blood alcohol level .8. that would kill him.

Worthless Anger at the Office The tuesday 1-22-08 edition by crabby
1-21-08
What up bro? How did you spend your MLK day?
Hold on, I'm getting a text... Hahaha! It's from my mom, it's asking how to fix a microwave. She's wacky.
Hold on... I'm getting a text here, it's from your mom, it's asking me how to fix her microwave.
But yeah, anyways, I spent most of my MLK day sleeping.
Sleeping? That's pretty good, I'm sure that's how Dr. King would have wanted his day spent.
Is that some sort of racist way of saying all blacks are lazy? I'm texting your mother to tell her about this.

Our primary objective is to keep the groove. by crabby
1-22-08
You know, I remember a time when you could go out on the weekend and go dance to some House music and just enjoy yourself. It was a thing to do!
There's lots of clubs that play House music.
I realize that, but it seems like at some point the local House scene became completely dominated by the homosexual sub-culture. The scene is dying, it sure isn't what it used to be.
You sound awfully homophobic for someone who enjoys House music so much. Even at it's peak popularity in the city House music always had a very large gay following.
I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC! YOU ARE!
I'm gay.

Happy Pig
I'm glad that jews can't eat me.
  by crabby, 1-25-08 

 

 

 
7-02-10 9:49pm (new)
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crabby
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17 year olds can't vote. by crabby
1-26-08
I'm voting for Hillary Clinton. She really speaks to my soul.
That guy was all high on PCP. Something had to be done.

The Cloverfield Monster by crabby
1-27-08
Excuse me, I'm the principal of this school and I demand that you tell me what the Cloverfield monster looked like. I refuse to go see it in the theaters because my wife gets randy in the dark.
There was no monster. It was just 2 hours of people overreacting to a horrible drunk driver.
Really? Thats funky. I enjoy the premise.
So really, when you think about it, the monster is all of us.
Well, at least everyone who has the poor judgement to drive drunk. I would never make such an irresponsible choice.
No, but you made me touch your penis for an awkward amount of time. So that makes you the biggest monster of all. A child molester. I hope you're happy that I'll never be a normal well adjusted adult.

It's hard to pity date an ugly goth with a nice house. by crabby
1-30-08
The dishes are done.
Are they done or are they finished?
They're done.
You sure about that?
You know, the more you talk to me, the more I'm reminded of how pathetic and gross you are. You just have this scent that tells me that I could be doing alot better.
I'm sorry.

Office Romance by crabby
2-03-08
You're new here. That's a very attractive outfit.
That's nice of you. Most people wouldn't notice.
Why, Because you're big?
Of course.
I think you carry it very well. In fact, I think you fill it out very well.
Have a nice day.

Fatherly Advice by crabby
2-06-08
Dad, there's this boy at school... I'm having some problems with him.
Is he bullying you? I know you aren't the strongest of children.
He does bully me a little bit, but I mostly think it's a turn on.
Ahhhh... So the problem is that he isn't responding to your advances. Is that right?
That's right.
Well, get over it. Not everyone is as gay as you.

 
7-02-10 9:49pm (new)
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crabby
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Clearing the air. by crabby
2-06-08
Son, I don't know how to tell you this, but I want you to know, that no matter what, you will always be my son.
Ok dad, what is it?
I think you're space suit is tacky and that you aren't very fashionble.
Well, You bought me this space suit.
I bought you that tacky space suit because I don't love you and I wish I never had gotten your mother pregnant to begin with.
Suddenly I feel tacky and unloved.

Mommy Dearest by crabby
2-23-08
Dad, I'm gonna need a ride to breakdancing class. I was gonna carpool with Gavin, but his mom's Prius is on the fritz.
I'm your mother.
You called me dad.
Mom, I'm gonna need a ride to breakdancing class. I was gonna carpool with Gavin, but his mom's Prius is on the fritz.
I don't like you hanging around that Gavin.

Everyone has an ex salsa star somewhere in their family. by crabby
2-25-08
My dad was a huge salsa star you know. He has stories about all the salsa greats. He played Madison Square Garden once! I'm thinking about trying to write a movie about his life.
If you wrote a movie about your dad's life it would just be an hour and a half of him trying to figure out who people are cause he's so fucking old.
Well, it would be about young him, when he was a big salsa star!
Remember that time you called me on the phone cause your dad was trying to fist fight you? You were 15 or 16 and your dad was 90 or so?
Yeah, that was fucking nuts. I couldn't stop laughing!
Make sure you put that in your movie.

A Falling Out with Uncle Fred by crabby
2-25-08
Uncle Fred, why are you so sad and pathetic?
Sad and pathetic? I live in a giant house out in the suburbs! I have a pool in my backyard!
I didn't mean your possesions were pathetic. I meant your soul was pathetic.
What the fuck are you talking about?
You're a real peice of shit Uncle Fred. I didn't figure it out until I got old enough, but you're a real peice of trash.
I've always been good to you and for you to say that to me... It breaks my heart. I don't want you coming over to visit anymore.

Hell by crabby
2-25-08
How you liking hell so far?
It's not the best, not as bad as I was expecting though.
I've only been here 6 years, but I'm pretty fucking bored. You're the first person I've seen in 5 years.
What happened to that guy?
I don't know... I lost track of him. Hell is a pretty big place. A big boring place.
Yeah, it isn't the best.

 

More to come. 

Enjoy!

 
7-02-10 9:50pm (new)
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crabby
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Sometimes it's better to just never know. by crabby
2-25-08
When you married my daughter, you claimed that you had carpentry experience.
You claimed she was a virgin, but she slept with both Tupac Shakur and Coolio on the same video shoot prior to marrying me.
Did she ever tell you which one she let enter her first.
It was Coolio.
That's a shame.
Tupac was first in her ass.

Problems at home. by crabby
2-26-08
Stanley, your wife called. She's concerned, she says you haven't gone home all week. Do you need to talk about anything?
I'm having an affair. I really don't think it's any of your buisness. Now if we're done here, I'd like to return to the kitchen and get back to work.
Stanley, I've been fucking your wife since the company picnic last summer. That woman is the love of my life and I swear if you do anything to hurt her feelings in the slightest, I'll have you killed.
So, how bout tonight you head on home to your wife and eat a nice meal with your family. Put a smile on Sandra's face for me.
I'd appreciate it if you'd stop fucking my wife.

I don't eat pork. by crabby
3-05-08
Hey Brent, I just added you on facebook. Did you know that for religious beliefs you entered, "I knowledged 120 in 1998. All praise be to Allah, the God, the Black Man, the true God on Earth."
Yes, I'm aware that is what I have entered as my religious beliefs on Facebook.
Why does it say that?
Well, it says that because I'm a member of the Five Percent Nation.
Why do you have that written for your religious beliefs?
I wrote it in because I'm a member of the Five Percent Nation. Five Percent nation is my religion.

This is kinda gay. by crabby
3-05-08
The bed is perfect. Fresh silk sheets.
Now all I need is a lover.

I got those daylight savings time blues. by crabby
3-10-08
At some point during the day I picked inside my ear and now everytime I lick my fingers it tastes like ear wax.
Wash your hands.
I did! This ear wax must be dug under the nail or something.
Don't lick your fingers.
YOU don't lick your fingers!
I don't.

More to come!
7-03-10 9:44am (new)
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crabby
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Chatting it up online with hot babes. by crabby
3-29-08
Hi, I'm Kyle. We've been chatting online for a few months now.
OH HELL NO! In your picture online you were a black man.
In your picture you were naked. So which of us was really lying?
You were lying about being a black man. And why the hell did I have to meet you out here in the woods like this?
I've always wanted to make love to a black woman. After I finish I'm going to kill you because I'd never be able to live with the guilt.
Oh great. NOW you wanna be honest. Lets hurry up and get this over with.

Family Drama by crabby
4-19-08
Sam... I have some bad news to tell you. I just got back from my mother's house and she says she's been having an affair with your boyfriend Juarez for the last 3 weeks.
My Juarez? Are you sure.. I'm pretty sure he had C-Section scars listed as a turn off on his match.com profile when we met. Why would he be interested in your mother?
My mother has cancer... She's planning to leave all her money to Juarez when she dies.
That's my Juarez. Always trying to make a quick buck.
I wonder if he plans to get me an engagement ring with the money he gets from Leslie's dead mother.

I hate when white girls listen to hip hop. by crabby
4-19-08
Have you heard any of those new songs off that Smirnoff Ice mix series?It features Q-Tip, Common, Krs One... Just Blaze on the production.
Nah. I pretty much only listen to older stuff. I usually just pop Liquid Swords into the tape deck and blow some trees to end my days.
Liquid Swords? What an overrated peice of shit album that is. It's always bothered me how revered he is for being so mediocre and boring.
Gza has the perfect voice and flow. He hardly uses curses and from his rhymes you can tell he's one of the best writers. Even when his lyrics are complex they are not too abstract like say, Ghostface.
I just think he gets way more credit than he should. You know that line, "We form like Voltron, and Gza is the head" from 36 Chambers. Bullshit.
The quote your thinking of is actually, "We form like Voltron and the Gza happens to be the head." That's a play on the fact that Gza was short for the Genius. Get it, the head.

What if Universal released an honest trailer for Patch Adams
This movie sucks.
  by crabby, 4-21-08 

I bet he feels like quite the april fool. by crabby
4-24-08
Dad, I know that you're a big racist, but the fact of the matter is... I'm not. I'm sorry.
It's ok. I don't mind.
I respect that.
I respect you.
Dad, I need advice of a sexual manner. I just don't think I can please mom like you used to unless my love is filled with mindless rage.
What the fuck are you talking about?

More to come!
7-05-10 10:13am (new)
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crabby
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Brothers by crabby
6-29-08
I don't even know what to say to you right now.
I'm a clown. This is who I am.
I don't have to like it.
Either way, I still have to love you.
I REFUSE to accept that any brother of mine would ever be a clown.
I'm a clown, Jack. Deal with it.

A father opens up to his child. by crabby
7-07-08
Dad... I've been thinking alot about after high school and I don't think I want to join the army.
It's your life son. You follow your path.
You mean... You respect my decision?
Son, you're a loser. You've always been a loser, you'll always be a loser. For some reason people like you. I don't understand it. I don't particularly care for you, You'll figure your own life out.
I'm glad we had this talk. It means alot to know that you support me.
I don't particularly support you at all. In fact, I want you moved out a week after graduation. You're my least favorite daughter.

She isn't the best mom. (He used the 20 to impress a girl.) by crabby
7-13-08
Mom, I hate to ask you this, but do you think you could give me twenty bucks?
It's a thursday! What do you need twenty bucks for?
I hate to ask you, but I spent a lil more than I wanted to from my pay check last week on PS3 games and I'm a little short on gas money.
Well at $4.41 a gallon we're all a little short on gas money. Here's twenty bucks.
Several hours later...
Wait a second... He's 13 and doesn't have a job, a car or a PS3.

Ja itsa good time. by crabby
7-15-08
I use magic, make you tall.
Ok.
OH NO! I make you joke-o-lantern!

It's all about staying ahead of the curve. by crabby
7-19-08
You might look like a strong young person on the outside, but I'm the school guidance counselor and I'm here to tell you whats wrong.
Ok.
Well for one thing your stance right now is way to aggressive.
Am I making you uncomfortable?
Yes.
Good.

7-13-10 4:28pm (new)
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crabby
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Spooky midnight chicken! by crabby
7-19-08
Can you believe this accident? I heard everyone died.
Yeah, I know. I was driving one of the cars.
Naw man. They all died. Every single person in one of those care is dead now.
Oh my god. It was a ghost!

If they fire him again he'll just make ANOTHER name tag. by crabby
7-23-08
Hey Rob, whats new?
Nothing much really. Same old same old. Oh, I was fired from my job two weeks ago for harassing a fellow employee.
You got fired? That sounds horrible!
Nah, it's totally cool. I just made a new name tag with a new name on it and everything is cool now.
Are they still paying you?
They don't pay me money or anything, but at least I've still got something to do.

Don't you hate it when you walk right into it? by crabby
7-24-08
Honey, you've been mad all night. Why don't you just talk to me?
Ok... Well remember when you were reaching into the bag of mozzarella cheese to spread extra cheese on your pizza. That was fucking gross.
You're mad because I put my hands in the bag of cheese? So what? You put your hands in there as well. I even washed my hands before I put them inside.
Wetting your hands is not washing them. You just wet your hands and then you used that dirty towel that you used to sop up all that water from when the toilet over flowed last week.
I should probably get that old towel out of the bathroom.
You have horrible hygeine and it does not turn me on.

Friends... How many of us have them? by crabby
7-27-08
Hey buddy. You've been late every month with your rent and I'm fed up. If you can't get your shit together I'm gonna call up my buddy DMX and have him escort you outta here.
I'm really sorry Travis. Things have just been real rough lately. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't threaten me.
You're a doctor man. How hard is it to come up with four hundred dollars a month?
Hey, the underground abortion market in this neighborhood isn't what it used to be buddy.
Yeah, I heard they finally caught that gang of roving rapists. Well, you get that money to me when you can.
Thanks alot bro!

Everyone is a suspect by crabby
8-12-08
Is everything going alright, Jackson? You seem like your mind is somewhere else today.
I've just been having some message board thoughts on my mind lately.
Anything you'd care to get off of your chest?
Well, you see... A couple of months back someone registered with the screen name 'Lobsterturtle' which is what I use for my email address. Well, a few other users have also had this happen to them.
Do you think that perhaps the lobsterturtle, cereko, erik911pb accounts are all connected in someway?
I don't remember saying anything about cereko or erik911pb...

More to come!
7-13-10 4:31pm (new)
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crabby
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Two Brothers discussing their Friday night. by crabby
8-29-08
How was your friday night?
I fell asleep on a floor around 10ish and then I stayed up reading erotica and listening to some new dance tracks I downloaded.
Hmmmmm...
Not like gay dance tracks or anything...
What about the erotica?
It was pretty good.

Two brothers discuss their Labor Day plans. by crabby
8-29-08
What are your big plans for Labor Day, bro?
Whatever I want.
Haha, but seriously... What are your plans? Cynthia and I are throwing a BBQ and I'd love to introduce you to Cyn's co-worker Judith. She's 70, but the bitch has a velvet vagina.
You just rocked my world.
I KNOW!
Bro... You're gross. Tell that 70 year old bitch to go fuck herself and tell Cynthia to stop going by Cyn because everyone is making fun of her behind her back.

Two brothers get themselves into... a little bit of trouble. by crabby
8-29-08
I've been doing some thinking here, bro. What we need to do is grow a beard of maybe start acting Italian. Then KFC will have to hire us.
Bro... I got a letter here from our neighbor saying that you wrote some pretty hateful things and left it attatched to his front door.
THANK GOD SOMEONE FOUND MY RANTS! I wrote them down and then misplaced them. I was worried they'd never turn up.
Apparently it was just a napkin with the word "NIGGER" written on it.
Oh wow... If our neighbor were black he might be amazingly offended by that.
OUR NEIGHBOR IS STEVIE WONDER AND HE ISN'T HAPPY AT ALL!

Two brothers botch a big plan. by crabby
8-29-08
JUST STICK TO THE PLAN BRO! STICK TO THE PLAN AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!
I understand that completely. I am one person you don't have to worry about during this situation.
Are you implying that perhaps I should be worried about myself? Are you saying you don't believe I will be able to succeed in our mission, bro?
DUDE WE'RE BUYING MAYO GET IN AND GET OUT!
WHO THE FUCK IS GOING IN? I THOUGHT YOU WERE--
ABORT! ABORT!

Two brothers go pants shopping. by crabby
8-29-08
Bro, do you know what size pants I wear?
Now that I think about it... No. No I do not know what size pants you wear.
Do you think we might be the same size?
Now that you mention that... We just might be. What size Hanes white tee do you wear?
I like to wear a large, but thats mostly because all the black women I sleep with prefer me in a size large Hanes white tee.
Hmmm... I wear a medium. So I guess we wouldn't be the same pants size.

 
7-13-10 4:35pm (new)
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crabby
I have an awesome avatar.

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Two Brothers discussing their Friday night. by crabby
8-29-08
How was your friday night?
I fell asleep on a floor around 10ish and then I stayed up reading erotica and listening to some new dance tracks I downloaded.
Hmmmmm...
Not like gay dance tracks or anything...
What about the erotica?
It was pretty good.

Two brothers discuss their Labor Day plans. by crabby
8-29-08
What are your big plans for Labor Day, bro?
Whatever I want.
Haha, but seriously... What are your plans? Cynthia and I are throwing a BBQ and I'd love to introduce you to Cyn's co-worker Judith. She's 70, but the bitch has a velvet vagina.
You just rocked my world.
I KNOW!
Bro... You're gross. Tell that 70 year old bitch to go fuck herself and tell Cynthia to stop going by Cyn because everyone is making fun of her behind her back.

Two brothers get themselves into... a little bit of trouble. by crabby
8-29-08
I've been doing some thinking here, bro. What we need to do is grow a beard of maybe start acting Italian. Then KFC will have to hire us.
Bro... I got a letter here from our neighbor saying that you wrote some pretty hateful things and left it attatched to his front door.
THANK GOD SOMEONE FOUND MY RANTS! I wrote them down and then misplaced them. I was worried they'd never turn up.
Apparently it was just a napkin with the word "NIGGER" written on it.
Oh wow... If our neighbor were black he might be amazingly offended by that.
OUR NEIGHBOR IS STEVIE WONDER AND HE ISN'T HAPPY AT ALL!

Two brothers botch a big plan. by crabby
8-29-08
JUST STICK TO THE PLAN BRO! STICK TO THE PLAN AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!
I understand that completely. I am one person you don't have to worry about during this situation.
Are you implying that perhaps I should be worried about myself? Are you saying you don't believe I will be able to succeed in our mission, bro?
DUDE WE'RE BUYING MAYO GET IN AND GET OUT!
WHO THE FUCK IS GOING IN? I THOUGHT YOU WERE--
ABORT! ABORT!

Two brothers go pants shopping. by crabby
8-29-08
Bro, do you know what size pants I wear?
Now that I think about it... No. No I do not know what size pants you wear.
Do you think we might be the same size?
Now that you mention that... We just might be. What size Hanes white tee do you wear?
I like to wear a large, but thats mostly because all the black women I sleep with prefer me in a size large Hanes white tee.
Hmmm... I wear a medium. So I guess we wouldn't be the same pants size.

 
7-13-10 4:35pm (new)
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crabby
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Two brothers bond. by crabby
8-29-08
We're here. Are you feeling nervous about your first day back to school? Would you like to talk it out before you go inside?
What the fuck, bro? What the fuck are you talking about?
Look... Ever since mom died, I've tried to be like a mother to you.
Mom isn't dead. She works at the Blockbuster over by Six Corners.
Bro...That Blockbuster got closed down 6 years ago. It's a converted Office Depot now.
Holy shit, mom died.

Two dolphins talk it out. by crabby
8-30-08
Did you happen to catch the movie Snowdogs on TBS last night?
No. I missed that.
That really is a shame because it is just a wonderful movie.
Oh, I've seen the movie several times. It is a holiday favorite around my home with my family. We watch it in our house several times a year.
I thought you said you didn't see it... Then you just went on a long redundant rant about your family. Really rubbing it in my face that people love you.
Wow... Well, first of all, I said I didn't see it last night on TBS. I never said I hadn't seen it before. Second of all fuck you. Yeah, that's right.

Two dolphins discuss breakfast. by crabby
8-30-08
I was getting some BK breakfast the other day and they had it set up so you paid at the same window you pick up your food at.
Isn't it always like that?
No. Sometimes you pay at the first window and then get your food at the second window.
What is your point exactly?
Well, I paid and got my food, but I drove off before I got my change. I didn't even realize that it happened until about 4 hours later.
You're a fucking moron.

Two dolphins discuss modern issues. by crabby
8-30-08
You know what bothers me about incest erotica?
Excuse me?
The part that really grinds my gears is when all of the sudden the mom marries the son or the son and the aunt move so that no one knows about their forbidden love.
Ok.
I mean what's the point of marrying them? They are already your mom or your aunt! I mean what the fuck?
Why are you reading incest erotica?

Two dolphins (fin) by crabby
8-30-08
Look man, I need you in a big way this monday... I don't usually bring this up, but I got arrested for you man. Don't forget that.
You were on a stealing streak and practically dragged me to the mall so you could steal stuff.
That isn't how I remember it.
What do you need exactly?
I need a baby sitter for monday afternoon.
Can't do it. I gotta work.

7-13-10 4:39pm (new)
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ko fight club
penny arcade
chopping block 		also
Brad Sucks